2011 and me – Part 3
After Maurice’s passing, it all hardly seemed real. I continued to go to work, managing the company I had worked with Maurice in for the last 5 years as before. Of course, nothing was like before, my main source of satisfaction from my job I was to find, was no longer there. Maurice’s wife flew me to New Zealand to attend and speak at Maurice’s funeral. In reflection, I could not have been more grateful for this experience. I was made so welcome by family and friends, and I participated in a memorial walk on one of Maurice’s favourite mountain trails, something I will always remember.
Back in Australia again my tumultuous emotional journey continued, angry I no longer had my mentor with me, unsure of what I was doing with my life. I am so grateful that I had such a wonderful, supportive girlfriend, Athena, through this time. Her constantly cheerful demeanour, and her efforts to make me happy had the power to pierce my sullen mood, allowing me to heal, and allowing me to be in a space where I felt I did not know all the answers of what to do.
This however, was not true at all.
I have felt compelled for years to travel and undergo a prolonged period of physical and spiritual training. This was something that I have avoided, or procrastinated on for over a decade, and something I had not talked to Maurice about as I never really knew ‘when’ I would finally go. With our time together now obviously limited, I confided in him my desire for training, to really ‘discover’ myself and what I am capable of. I could not have hoped for a more supportive reaction. He was captivated by the tale of my future travels, so much so that he wanted to join me for some weeks when he had dealt with his present state. I so wish he could have. He had some concerns about what I would do upon my return, how I would support myself after my esoteric indulgence, and expressed his eagerness to do something together, to help me teach what I had learnt for the greater good. Reflecting on these conversations I am reminded by how profoundly sacred our dialogue had been, and that Maurice’s thoughts and ideas will be with me always, during my retreat and for the rest of my life.
We discussed my plans to write, to complete and release my first novel in 2012, and to continue with my creative exploration of the art of film. Again his support was unwavering, with the purely creative something he wished he had explored himself in his already full life. It is funny how I allowed myself to forget these conversations, forget my real path and wallow in the domain of the ego and self-pity. I can see how easily comfortable, habitual patterns can be disguised as a seductive saviour, promising to help shield you from the misery you are trying to escape. However such temporary respite only leads to stagnation, a futile attempt to curtail your own growth to avoid emotions that are all ultimately generated from within.
The upside of allowing oneself to sink like this is the stark contrast that is available for you to view. The contrast between a life driven by ego, or a life driven by purpose. A life dictated by circumstance, or a life freely chosen. A life obsessed with the past, or a life firmly anchored in the present. We each have real choices in the lives we want to allow to manifest. Over the months of withdrawal these choices became so obvious that they could no longer be ignored. Firm change had to be chosen. I was finally filled with the courage to act.
My mentor was a passionate man who strived daily to live a purposeful existence. I can now unequivocally say that so do I. I am now embracing my purposeful path like at no other time in my existence. And I feel great.
Thank you so much for reading, I am eternally grateful. I look forward to sharing so much more with you all…