Have you ever sat back and noticed the ultimate futility of most arguments you have? Do you know people who must always be right, no matter what the topic? It’s an easy habit to form, feeding the voracious egos need for self-validation. This habit was a deeply ingrained pattern for me for much of my earlier life, but I am happy to report that it’s becoming less and less a feature. The more conscious I become of my thoughts and feelings in the present, the easier it is to spot it and let go. And what a relief this is! Passionately arguing why the film you like is better than another, why your preferred brand is the best, or over who is responsible for the spill in the kitchen… it seems ridiculous when read outside of any real situation, but it’s so easy to find yourself wrapped up in a countless variety of arguments over the inconsequential…
Sure, make your case on points that are or real importance, things where changing minds can make a real difference. You’ll know when these occasions arise, as they are so rare, and stir your true passions. But the reality is, 95% of arguments are over relative trivialities, often with people who you care about. The trivial point that you are compelled to make is not important. The relationship with the person that you are trying to make it to is! Surrender in these matters is empowering. When your resistance drops, the person that so adamantly held the other position will often realise the ridiculousness of the argument too, and your relationship can grow stronger. If not, that’s OK too, let them have their small victory… They probably need it more than you.
Do you find yourself compelled to argue about the inconsequential? Or do you have people in your life like this? How do you deal with it?
I agree that leaving the trivial behind is a good practice. Having to be right about everything consumes a lot of energy. And it’s a put-off for others. But how do you know which points to make are of “real importance”? Who decides?
Here in the US an election is coming up. Opinions are as common as rain in the Pacific Northwest where I live. And the arguments are fierce and getting fiercer. But in the end, will it really matter who gets elected? I don’t think so.
But I do think that what matters to most people is that their team wins. When your team wins it’s a great feeling. When your team loses, you feel down. But either way, rain eventually shows up in the forecast.
I think that as so many of the points we tend to make are truly, obviously inconsequential, the ones that are truly important to us stand out explicitly. I agree with you with respect to elections. It is the same here in Australia. There are occasionally a couple of sane voices but they are generally drowned out by all this manufactured bluster that does nothing to really address the concerns and lives of the population. I hope this can change one day! Thanks for your comment Paul…
Oh…. this is so true! And then when I put it into practice I realize how invested in winning I truly am. This is one of those lessons I’m still learning.
The fact you are aware of your issue means you are well on the way to overcoming it! Thanks for your comment!
This is soooo difficult for most of us to learn. Fragile egos get in the way… Slowly getting there. I do find it quite easy these days to remind myself of the fact that the person behind the argument and the love we have for each other is much more important than whatever points of view we are arguing. In the end it comes down to how we define ourselves. The more I meditate and learn to identify with my Higher Self, the less important being right becomes.
I couldn’t agree more Lisa. As we wean our ego off the need to be right, arguments can become discussions and our relationships can be spared from such divisive confrontation. Thank you for your comment!